Broken and Free
As I lay there in the passenger seat of the car, looking out the window at the stars, I didn’t think the tears would ever stop falling from my eyes. I’m going to get dehydrated if I keep crying like this, I thought.
I was sitting in the driveway of my host home (I was on an internship for the summer, three hours from home), thinking about how life as I knew it had just ended. I felt like what was left of my security blanket was just thrown into an incinerator, along with my heart.
So why did I feel so much peace?
I had just broken up with my boyfriend on the phone (I know, shame on me); we had been together for almost four years. I felt like I needed to tell someone, but who do you talk to when you’ve just severed ties with the one you relied on the most?
Just then a thought crept into my mind, and I slowly repeated those words: The one I relied on the most. They tasted tart as they crashed around my mind. A thousand bricks landed on my chest as I realized the weightiness of those words.
I’m supposed to rely on God the most, and I haven’t for a very long time.
I think the pain I felt after realizing that stung more than the actual breakup. I haven’t been relying on you, God.
I stayed there for a long while, bone rattling sobs still escaping my body, the center console digging into my left side. All of me hurt from crying, but my soul hurt more. I had been living a pseudo-Christian life, or at least that’s what it felt like.
Where do I go from here?
Then another thought pushed its way in: anywhere. You can go anywhere.
I realized that the only reason I was still in a relationship was because it seemed stupid to have spent four years of my life investing in something for it to just end. If I was completely honest with myself, I would admit that I knew that I should’ve ended things a long time ago, but it was so much easier to not stir up the water.
But sometimes that’s what God wants from us. He doesn’t want us to remain where we are. He wants us to let him take us to places we never imagined taking ourselves. If we had it our way, and we all stayed in our nice warm comfort zones with our security blanket draped over us, we would never do anything worthy of doing.
The best things happen when we rely on God and ditch our soft security blanket. When we do, God can take us anywhere.
And an unspecified anywhere is better than any plan I could create.
At first, I did feel like life as I knew it was over, and it was. But when I allowed God to shatter the small, comfortable life I had designed for myself, I found freedom. Freedom in Christ. Freedom to do anything and everything God was calling me to do. Freedom to heal in God's grace from a painful past. Freedom to be a person I hadn’t yet met, but a person God already had unimaginable plans laid out for.
The breaking of my life was the birth of a better life: one God had for me. And I’m so glad I let him.